bound to earth

today has been a pretty weird day.
tiring, long and just all around disappointing.
not everyday can be perfect. not every day can even be good. but i would like a scattered few to not reek of pointlessness.

just before my quarter centaurion birthday i was feeling pretty worthless, irritated, trapped, stagnant and just plain hairy (and i don't mean follicles). i hated approaching a pretty monumentous year feeling like a loser. 25 and showing nothing for myself except a BFA in something i don't even know if i want anymore. something so shallow and superficial it makes my spine crawl. *yeah that's fashion. and though i was feeling better after october 21st (thanks to an awesome party my baby threw for me - first surprise ever!) i am downwardly spiraling again.

right now i'm listening to old mix cds and i'm feeling sad about old times when shit was easy. when i felt worth it all. when i knew what i wanted, how to get it and i did. fuck. where did that time go? how did i lose it?
to those times, i quote a song:
"if you ever change your mind about leaving me behind, baby bring it to me, bring your sweet loving, bring it on home to me."
i'm not ranting about feeling old. dood fuck that. that's not the point. yeah ok, so i'm getting veins. lines under my eyes. all that shit. it's not the years in numbers. 25 or 80. it's what you have for, and in, yourself and it's just not feeling like that much right about now. i've got my family, tommy and my puppy.
and besides everything, i'm a loser.

everything is hard. everyone is stupid. and i'm angry. well, don't i sound like a prize?

i should eat something. maybe that will make me less cranky.
then i'll go take a bubble bath. soak and stare at my toes and other slowly ageing useless bodyparts.